The Extreme Pita: A Review

I was driving down Dentist & Car Dealership Blvd earlier today, foraging for provisions, when I spotted a small eatery called The Extreme Pita, sandwhiched between a car dealership and a dental supply store. The sign was written in wildly irregular letters in clashing blues and yellows, a sure sign of its extremity. I'm a sucker for anything extreme. Extreme Goldfish Food Flakes, Extreme Lawn Bowling, Extreme Shoe Laces, you name it. So I turned my car around, or flipped an Extreme Bitch if you will, and checked The Extreme Pita out.

I was extremely disappointed. Although the pace of food preparation was appropriately frenetic, to the point where I had to double-check that I wasn't also being sold a car or dental insurance, the meal itself was anything but extreme. Most of the ingredients were cold, the tzatziki was bland, and the grilled chicken was distinctly average. I might go so far as to suggest that they rename their chain to The Moderate Pita.

To be fair, I still enjoyed my lunch somewhat. While I sat there eating a pita of questionable extremity, I couldn't help but think that some slight changes in atmosphere might assist with making the culinary experience more "Extreme."

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-Change the background music. No more of that light jazz shit, I want to eat my pita while listening to speed metal.

-Get rid of the 80's "crazy" yellow and blue motif. Paint the walls black with slashes of red, and then add stripper poles, half-pipes, caged tigers, and pits with spikes in them. Train the tigers to dance on the poles and ride on the half-pipes for bonus Extreme points.

-Fire the friendly staff members, and replace them with angry dwarves (and/or tigers).

-In addition to the standard ingredients, ask if the customer would like to "Go Extreme" with such ingredients and options as gravel bits, live fire ants, battery acid or pistachio ice cream.

-Change your corporate key words from "Fast, Fresh, Healthy, Convenient" to "Frenzied, Furious, Dwarves, Fuck you."

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In short, I give The Extreme Pita only 2 out of 5 Extreme Points, but I believe it has potential, if it implements any of these ideas.