The Church of Nothing Doin'

A late-night conversation with Schrodinger's Cat:

SC: Okay. Help me design a new business card.
A: have it say: this is not a t-shirt
A: just so people are sure
SC: What if someone pins it to their t-shirt?
A: hmm, tricky
A: I hadn't foreseen that possibility
A: that would probably negate the t-shirts existence, causing surprise toplessness

SC: You really ought to consider all possible possibilities.
A: I start by believing nothing is possible
A: then, everything I do is incredible
SC: Well, I expect you'd often find yourself surprised. But how would you motivate yourself to do things?
A: I just sort of wait until they happen, and take it from there.
A: and yeah, everything is a lot more amazing this way
SC: Hrmph. I'm sure there're some problems with your outlook we haven't yet considered.
A: probably...but until I've discovered otherwise, the existence of those problems is impossible
SC: Right, because...oh. Well, that's a little circular and self-fulfilling, but it works!
A: it does, I guess. I just came up with it right now, but I think I could adopt it. and maybe a Cambodian child, if I'm feeling saucy.
SC: Or rich and in need of a quick fix for your Jewish Princess syndrome.
A: hehehehehe
A: or that.

SC: Guilt always leaves you with children.
A: I'm convinced children are actually made of pure guilt.
A: except the ones you adopt from Cambodia
SC: But they still smell of conflic diamonds.
SC: Conflict.
A: that's true... another unimpossibility uncovered
SC: That's too confusing to say. Let's call it a "doctrine."
A: sounds good to me
SC: We'll call it the Church of Nothing Doin'
A: that is an excellent name
A: where do I sign up
SC: I'm pretty smart, you see.
SC: Sign up? You're the founder!
A: oh, yeah

A: I need to think up some mandates
SC: Except that mandates are against doctrine.
SC: ...until they happen.
A: right.
SC: It's gonna take a while to work the kinks out.
A: definitely... we should just assume the kinks aren't possible until we find them
SC: Well, it's good to know everything is finally running smoothly!
A: if possible, I think this conversation needs to be recorded for posterity
A: the founding of the Church of Nothing Doin'
SC: Is that even possible?
A: probably not.
SC: Crap.
SC: I guess it never happened, then.
A: Well, it's worth a shot.
SC: Careful, you're sounding optimistic...and that smacks of possibility.

Doppler-Shifting Horn-Bags

Is it really worth the effort?

No, no it isn't, and I'm officially taking away your horn-abusing privileges at this intersection, until such time as your blood pressure and mine drop down to acceptable levels. Cheeseburger intake and party affiliation will be accounted for.

For those who disregard this mandate, justice will be served with the cooling power of water balloons, from the vantage of my balcony.

In memory of...

This is in memory of my Gillette Series Ultra-Comfort* Shaving Gel, which saw me through shaving for its last time today.

You've been with me through beards thick and beards thin, through razors sharp and razors dull, and every variation thereof inbetween. You've been there for me through the worst of goatees, the height of absurdity in mustaches, and all my other facial experiments, and have even humored me for a few rabid dog impressions. For this you shall be remembered. Whether in the comfort of my own home, or in a stranger's apartment, your beard-softening jojoba oil** brought me out of the most terrible trials of stubble, and left me with a clean, jojoba-smelling face.

Though your product life has reached its unexpected end, I and my face will always remember you as the best of foam-based shaving gel. You may be discarded when I can bring myself to do it, but you will never be forgotten.


*ultra-confort
**huile de jojoba adoucissante pour la barbe